Outages

If you tell people mistruths for years it starts to be the truth in their minds. I didn't mean to lie to them, or mislead them, or misrepresent myself. I came up with excuses to hide some fundamental confidence issue and now I'm afraid there's no undoing this. The one thing I'll never know is what other people think of me, and I tend to forget everything except who I know I am at the moment. Other people's opinions of me don't grow as mine does, because I am the one who lives with myself. Sometimes other people are too complicated to deal with. I'm enough complication, thanks. How do I reconcile this with a larger, airbrush love of humanity? I ignored that woman asking for help across the street, damn it, and how can I tell myself I love all people? Why can I never look at people as I walk past them? Why do I fib to get out of social situations quicker? I don't want to be this disconnected, but I've brought it upon myself with the damn fantasies I escape to. I am so naive, guys, and it hurts so much because I can see how naive I am. But if I lose this naivety, I might lose my optimism. My optimism is all I have.

It totally and completely bothers me when, say, I'm walking down a hallway behind someone, or their back is to me (say they're sitting at a table) and they turn to look at me, see who's there. I, uh, have other senses? If the person behind me knows me, they also know my name? And you know, footsteps. SO I've taken to just staring at him/her like a creeper until they turn around. It's only a second or two, but god damn does it bother me.

I haven't written in a while. I just can't get a drive going, or find good time, or a good reason. I pass through important parts of my life and just pass them by. I still have all these ideas, but I don't use them as writing fodder. If I do, they're never finished, because there's always been a distinction between ideas for me and ideas for the page. One of them I like better? It's all a bit muddly, because I'm so removed from a world where people write all the time. This is a science college.

But! I have been working on my drawing style, and guys now I draw necks! My legs are getting more realistic, and I am kinda half-assing proportions and etc. I think I'm pretty good at working from a stock image, at least when it comes to proper arm bends and hand-stops. I can totally fluke a pretty collarbone. I still need to deal with overlarge heads, but I've been using guide lines to keep them roughly in scale.

And I have recently been obsessed with The Office and am now in the middle of season 3. It is kinda ridiculous. I sorta can't stand Michael sometimes, god damn.

I feel like my real friends have graduated already, and I uh, don't have much more than my roomie and some conveniences? This becomes clearer and clearer as the semester continues. It really makes me sad/terrified/pissed. Surprise, even I am a social creature!

WE WERE HAVING SOME FUN

I am at work! I recently skimmed through some old livejournal entries and I was struck by my monetary struggles. I used to stress out over a $10 monthly payment? This is what it must mean to be an adult. I have "financial documents" now (really just one) and my tolerance for money has increased. What do I mean by that. Um, that now I pay nearly $60/month on my phone bill and it doesn't flip me out? Also, I am rolling in the money this semester. Twenty hours a week at $7.75 equals, minus some taxes, $300 paychecks. Like the one I got today. It's weird to consider that, if I saved two paychecks, so many things would be in my grasp. A car. A new computer. A plane ticket. Also, due to my "financial documents," I am not wasting money on as much junk. Except groceries. oh god groceries. My one weakness.

This weekend, I think, will be glorious. It stopped raining here at some point (I am locked in a windowless basement) and the clouds are still puffed and rimmed with hints of the morning grey. I, sorta did not want to come back. Damn you social and monetary restraints! 

Hmm. I really have no complaints about my life. I will show the world that not-conflict is not-boring.