HEY THERE JUNE

What kind of substitute is academic-type-learning-through-obsessive-research-and-blog-reading for real-life experience? Allow my next few decades to be the answer! I am well-versed in how to be a Good Person [TM] but not social enough to ever apply these characteristics! I want to be a hermit and escape from consumerist society and advertising oh - my - GOODNESS. But I have grown up seeing money as a way to happiness, and that is very ingrained in my psyche. Also, in my head exists a certain dichotomy that language fails to describe except as: money, or people. Like, if I can't find happiness through money, I have to find it through people. But! Hearkening back to my inept-but-I-fake-it social skills, I don't keep friends long. I have abandoned everyone I knew in middle school; I don't even remember elementary school save for bits and snippets (largely connected to feelings of embarrassment! yippee); even my pack, my lit class, aren't safe. I have kept in constant, face-to-face contact with three people from high school. Even then, that's like 4 or 5 times a year. Now I can see it happening with college people; it always starts as a distancing in my mind, a shuffling of people into specific "categories" (compartmentalizing!). I allow myself to feel guilty about this sometimes, but because it hurts a lot and really sucks, I have been coaching myself into accepting it, and trying to post that Facebook comment I thought of but didn't type, or that reply to an email I composed in my head and thought "well, that's done." It is a process.

Four days ago was a really nice Thursday. I found out some things about myself that I don't feel comfortable enough discussing on a blog that only spammers read (internet boogies!), but! I found a great support community with topics that tackle the whole I've-had-these-questions-for-a-while-but-didn't-think-anyone-did inquiries. Turned a leaf on the lingering bout of depression I've had. I went into work and was able to interact with people-who-often-irk-me like a person! I talked and did that social thing where you share things about yourself. It's amazing what kind of comfort a label can give when you're so confused.

Change of topic! I made a dinner tonight that follows the Formula of Dinners by Nicole for Herself [TM]. Veggies in pan, sesame oil, soy sauce, mirin, garlic, salt & pepper; brown rice cooking up. Finished it off with some peanut sauce tonight. Veggies were carrots, red pepper and onion; added some ginger to try and tackle this stupid sneezing-head-cold I've got bothering me. Drinking a pointless diet coke (CAFFEINE FREE IS NOT FOR ME) and chillin'. I need to remember to charge my iPod. In terms of music! "So Far So Good" by Joseph Nothing is the grooviest Japanese-electronica song ever. Is electronica still even a genre? I am so bad at classifying music. But I noticed some similarities between my top three Japanese "electronica/etc" artists: Susumu Hirasawa, Joseph Nothing, and World's End Girlfriend. Mind you, the latter is much more atmospheric in his music, and Susumu sings, but there exists a parallel in terms of the texture of the exterior sounds in the songs. Guh, this stopped being able to be described. You would have to listen to them with me in the room to understand.

Moving on! I recently revisited an old story idea, with this whole thing about last breaths and overflowing soul mass. Improved some character motivations and applied another level of reality to the situation. Deciding whether to include these two characters who, right now, aren't serving much of a purpose (except to fill a small-child and bald-twenty-something quota); they are part of the group who have too-much-soul-for-the-body and serve as a nice counterbalance to the more-main character with the same condition, but they are horribly two-dimensional.

As a closing note: I have no capability of understanding those who don't self-educate. Like, for what other purpose is the Internet? (Beside porn and cats.) Information is there and the internet has a way of policing its information, so whilst educating yourself with facts, you can also educate yourself about biases and slant! Now that I sound sufficiently intelligent (really, my only goal in life), I bid you tschuess.